Are Febreze clips no match for the stench of your loneliness? Are you Team #PajamasOverPeople? Are you writing this while eating a bag of mini marshmallows in bed at 12pm on a Monday? (That one may be a little personal.) I’m no Professor Trelawney, but if you’re still unsure whether or not you’re one of us terribly single people, allow me to read the leaves in your latte art for more signs. If you understood that Harry Potter reference you’re already ahead of the pack.
1. You have a date every Friday — with Lester Holt.
Guys, your mom calls you like moms always do, right? She asks if you have any plans for Friday night in that there’s-only-one-answer-I-want-to-hear voice. You tell her you’re just going to enjoy your usual Dateline Fridays, but mom’s cell phone service is spottier than a Proactiv commercial, so she hears, “Date on Friday.” Now you’re in Walgreens on a Saturday afternoon, rubbing magazine perfume samples on yourself before meeting mom for a catch-up lunch because nobody wants to disappoint the woman who pays their car insurance.
2. Being able to send messages to the person making your pizza via Dominos Pizza Tracker is the closest thing to a date you’ve had all year.
Let’s be real here, pizza and minimal conversation is kind of the perfect relationship. Be careful about the amount of times you say the word “sausage” though.
3. The Coinstar machine tells you to slowly guide change, with your hand, into it’s slot and you wonder if you’ve just gone to third base…
But if you start thinking about grabbing a bottle of wine, finally pressing play on that “sexy time” playlist you made “because you never know” and stealing home be careful, they sanitize those things for a reason.
4. You’ve called more cats cute on Instagram than people.
Feline Crush Friday isn’t gonna happen. You have to let that dream die. Throw a heart-eyed Emoji at a few humans and yes, you can use the cat version if it helps.
5. You’re thinking about buying a Kindle Fire.
I have to say more? With Amazon’s new “Mayday” feature on the Kindle Fire, you can video chat 24/7 with a person from tech support at the touch of a button. So, take a break from planning your imaginary wedding on Pintrest, find some soft lighting to stand under, hit that mayday button and see if they’re down to watch Dateline with you. You’ll still need to rub some cologne/perfume on yourself before lunch with mom. Maybe your Amazon friend can help you order some. Everybody wins!