5 Completely Embarrassing Sexual Encounters I Wish I Could ‘Eternal Sunshine’ Away


1. “Are you close yet?”

Do you remember being sixteen? I thought it was an awesome age. Sneaking out of home right under your parent’s noses, drinking and doing things you THINK you are ready for. That was myself anyway, little did I know then that there was a hell more of a lot to learn. Imagine it for me, being in bed with your boyfriend while your parents where away for the weekend and being highly inexperienced. I think I was the only one of my friends who hadn’t done, well… anything. He was the first male to ever get past the pants and into the underwear and to be perfectly honest I was excited! Maybe this is what I had been missing… Buuuuuuuuut, as you could probably assume because of the whole sixteen and inexperienced factor, it didn’t exactly go the way I had planned now did it?

I felt nothing, actually that’s not the way I should put it. It was as if he was just rubbing skin, that’s how aroused I was. I have been more turned on by someone grabbing my knee, that’s how much fun I was having. The worst part of it was he was grunting and grinding on me as if he was really enjoying it, where as I was just waiting for it to be over! Then his words came out in a girlish whimper, “Are you close yet?” It’s safe to say that was the last time I ever had him stay over.

2. “Don’t stop.”

This is another story from when I was a teenager, maybe it’s a rite of passage to have extremely awkward sexual encounters when you’re young? Or maybe I was extremely unlucky.

Its every teenager’s wet dream to kiss the most popular guy in school, the one every girl fans herself over as they walk past in the halls and a simple smirk from them is enough to make you smile for an entire week. Although we all know that this type of male doesn’t travel alone, there is normally a less good looking friend that gives you those creep vibes from a mile away.

It was late at a very deserted high school party, the dark lounge room was filled with empty cups and discarded clothing and I was with every girl’s darkest fantasy… Before id I go on we were both the legal age for anything to happen, unfortunately that would be stopped before we even got to the good stuff.

As a heavy make out session was turning into something so much more, he all of a sudden stopped and started looking around the empty room. Before I could ask him what was going on, a voice in the dark spoke the words that chilled nightmares, “Don’t stop”. Note to self: if a hot guy has a creepy friend, don’t get steamy where watching eyes can see.

Th Strip Tease Gone Wrong

At the very ripe age of eighteen I did it, I took off those V-card and threw it in the bin. My boyfriend and I did everything together and at the time I thought I was going to marry him. Sex makes us all naïve. For his twenty-first birthday we throw a house party and invited everyone. There was a DJ playing, the drinks where flowing and I had a surprise under my dress in the form of a corset for the birthday boy.

Now learning from my past mistakes I dragged him very willingly into the bedroom to give him his surprise. The boyfriend’s bedroom was situated right near where the party was booming, which at the time I thought was perfect considering we could still hear the booming base. As I got down to business and started to tease him seductively everything was going to plan. Until I heard shouting, as I looked over towards his windowed I saw not one but three of his friends watching and cheering us on. I have never got dressed so fast in my whole life.

4. The Protocol.

I was twenty-one, single and ready to mingle. After being broken up with my ex for nearly a year I thought it was time to dip my toes back in the water but instead I drunkenly decided to take a flying leap. I met this guy through a friend one night at a club. He was new in town and didn’t really know anybody. Everything was going great we were drinking, laughing and quite a lot of banter was happening. Considering where I live is a small town, when the club closed at 2 AM there was nowhere else to go.

Inviting me back to his place to “watch a movie” and I agreed. After about twenty minutes of watching The Notebook (Yeah smooth? Am I right), we started doing the dance with no pants. Now I don’t know if it’s just me but personally I never pictured myself having a one night stand with a near stranger but hey I did it.

After we were finished the easy going air that was around us before disappeared. I think it was only thirty seconds after, that I got dressed and was making my way to leave. I remember saying to him, “I don’t know the certain type of protocol here so I am just going to leave.” Yes, I did face palm myself later for that.

5. “Don’t Tease Me.”

After realising I wasn’t the one night stand type, I met this guy. He was really nice and sweet, everything a girl thinks she wants in a man. We had gone out on dates and everything was going okay but I knew there was something missing. Taking the relationship (If you could even call it that) really slow, was actually pretty boring and in saying that so was he.

I planned to end it with him but we both said we would attend a friend’s birthday party together. Speaking to my best friend I told her I was going to end it a few days after the party, sit him down and discuss it as adults. In my defence I was still only twenty-one and things rarely go to plan at that age.

Attending the party together I got incredible drunk just to deal with his boring personality. Somehow that turned into us making out against his car and something we had planned to take slowly turned into us taking a very quickly as we made our way into the car. His movements where really rushed and there was no fooling around beforehand, we just jumped straight into a home run. It was very dark and when he put it in and started moving, I didn’t feel much. Speaking without thinking I said, “Don’t tease me.” He stopped his jerky movements and looked me dead in the eye and asked, “What are you talking about.” Turns out he wasn’t and I had learnt one thing not to say to a guy with a small penis.