5 Apologetic Letters To My Downstairs Neighbors


Nov 14th, 2013

What’s shaking neighbourino?
I’m sure you’ve been trying to figure it out all week, so I’ll just go ahead and tell you: it’s a viola! You know, sort of like a big ass fiddle with deeper bass tones? Though, thanks to our excellent floorboards, I’m sure you’ve figured that part out already.

I found this excellent instructor on YouTube who does video lessons for every single Zac Brown Band song. Love me some Internet! That’ll probably take me through the winter and afterwards I plan on tackling the old standards (Wonderwall!) and maybe that kickass Avicii song.

Love that Avicii song!

Problem is, I’m still learning to tune the thing. Who knew four strings could cause so much trouble? LOL. Really sorry if my D is a little flat (though Elysia’s never had an issue!) and I hope the harmonies are as soothing to your ears as they are to my soul. Requests are always welcome!

The One Man Quartet in Apartment #3

Dec 20th, 2013


I know what you’re thinking. Who buys an owl? I always asked myself the same question. But my aunt was in town last weekend and, well, a few mango margaritas later we’re suddenly dashing off to the local Petco. And what a good day to do it! We got ten percent off! Can you believe it? It was like Black Friday – but for owls! Wow!

Oh, and as a sort of side note, I should mention that they feed exclusively on live mice, which we’ve gone ahead and purchased in bulk. Already lost a few, unfortunately, so if you could keep your eyes peeled and let us know if you spot some, that’d be great. We’ll come right down and grab them. Hell, we could even bring along little Hedwig and have him free-hunt inside your apartment. You’d be amazed by his accuracy!

The Owl Whisperer in Apartment #3

February 14th, 2014

Greetings from above!

Not sure if you even noticed, but I wanted to send a preemptive apology about the sprawling trail of fur and blood currently lining our building’s stairwell. The thing is, I’ve taken a real interest in taxidermy. And animal murder. #quarterlifecrisis.

So here’s what I did: I drove down to the nearest Walmart and just bought a whole butt load of guns. Took them out to the local hunting place and BAM – had a ten point buck in the back of my truck before sundown.

We should hit my cousin’s lodge sometime if you’re interested!

A side benefit of taxidermy is all the fresh, gamey meat that you’re left with. I’ve been using it to make homemade pepperettes for the first time. Ay, caramba! What a challenging endeavour! I ordered this cool meat grinder off Amazon but it’s yet to arrive, so in the meantime I had to get a little creative (hence the thumping). But isn’t that what cooking raw meat is all about?

So, to recap, bad news is the blood and guts in the hallway. Good news is the deer pepperettes. I think it’s technically called venison once they’re in the casing, but in either case, you’re invited to grab a rope or two.

Happy Valentine’s Day, btw!

The Hunter/Gatherer in Apartment #3

March 8th, 2014

Yeah, so that was my friend Doug. What a guy. He’s definitely loud – we all know that. And we really tried not to get him too wound up last night, purposely avoiding topics like whey shakes and Vegas. But as it so often happens, we had a few drinks. Doug had several. A few challenges were issued and before you know it, the karaoke machine’s out.

Just another Arbor Day, amirite?

Doug’s always fancied himself a front man. Hope we didn’t keep you up too late. Your chemo treatments are still ongoing, right? Elysia and I pray for you every night. We’ll swing by soon with more pepperettes. Partridge is actually in season now. Do you like tartare?

Stay Strong,
The Feral Badgers
(That’s our band name with Doug)

April 20th, 2014

Hello Hello,

Well THAT was embarrassing!

Hope your boyfriend’s in a better mood this morning. Sorry again for waking him! I totally get what he said about it being “awkward” to hear our “session”, as he called it. We feel absolutely terrible but trust me when I say it was twice as bad for us!

Let me explain.

We were watching Real Housewives of New Jersey and, for whatever reason, it always gets my girl going. She’s like a hyena in heat when those yentas come on! One thing lead to another and suddenly we were the stars of our very own reality show – though I don’t think they’d be able to air this one on network TV!

So there we were. The boats are rockin’, our bodies are talkin’, and our faces are in extremely close proximity. One wrong move is all it takes. And sure enough – BONK! We smash into each other’s schnozzes. Game over. Double nose bleeds. Quadruple if you’re counting by the nostril! Bleeds from every nasal orifice in the room, I tell ya. It was a real disaster.

And I can only imagine what your boyfriend (Charlie? Chuck? Chaz?) thought when he saw the two of us at the door, in the nude and covered in snotty blood, profusely apologizing like a couple of loons.

He seemed a little squeamish!

Tell him we’re okay and sorry once again. Can’t promise it won’t happen again next week, but we’ll try our best to keep it down and make up for lost karma!

The Love Guru in Apt. #3

image – Lookcatalog