The “Biggest” Pumpkin Contest


“Biggest” Pumpkin Contest, the first pumpkin contest in which the pumpkin’s value isn’t determined by weight, but instead, by arrogance. Hear me out. Here we don’t want to help you find the biggest pumpkin, rather, the pumpkin that thinks it’s the biggest. That way, you will have made the socially apt choice for the average pumpkin who isn’t sure what makes a pumpkin good or not, but merely wants their pumpkin to make a lasting impression, for better of worse.

—Let’s take a look at our finalists, shall we?

Our first finalist was ranked at the top of its class and is captain of the kayak team at Harvard. It was grown in Georgia, on a private farm with a pleasant view of the Augusta National Golf Club. It claims to have squash roots, a fact, which it mentions any chance it can get. Also, its parents are loaded—with seeds, I should say.

Our next candidate is sure to be the talk of the town at today’s competition. Last years winner of the PPPP (Preliminary Pompous Pumpkin Patch) joins us today. As you can see it has left its “I Voted” sticker on well past Election Day. It appears to be bragging about not watching TV. It’s like, we get it, you’re a rounded orange-yellow fruit from the gourd family, but that doesn’t mean you’re above Break Bad. Very promising stuff!

Here we have what appears to be the underdog of today’s competition. In fact it doesn’t even know that it’s in the race!

This little guy claims to be a producer, who is only here “networking.”

Oh my gourd! This is truly a feat in pretentious vegetable cultivation; this contestant just threw white wine at a much skinnier cucumber. In all of my years of doing this I have never seen behavior like this before. Boy do I hope its seeds are infertile. All right—this needs to be shut down!

Wait! We’ve just gotten word that this pumpkin has just been disqualified. It appears as though this pumpkin recently Instagrammed a photo of itself with another pumpkin with the caption, “I look fat cuz I’m a pumpkin but whatevzz #imreal #tbt #selfie,” even though it looks quite thin in photo, purposely showing off its one flat side. However, its discoloration on its side clearly indicates that it’s had work done, and, as we all know, injections count as cheating in just about all pumpkin contests. So by default: Congratulations!!! We’ve found this year’s winner!