If you’re anything like me, you live for and die for and perhaps come back to life just to die again for the Academy Awards. It’s all so exciting; a show that us mere mortals — nay, peasants — watch all around the world. In the words of Saturday Night Live’s Stefan, it has everything: The stars! The glamour! The non-stop media coverage that plays post-show on a maddening loop, parading the winners around on display for public consumption as if these thespians are paralyzed Barnum and Bailey’s baby elephants, strutting their stuff in all of their glory one last time before they’re put to sleep! It’s all SO Hollywood!!!
One night each year, the biggest and the brightest stars align to cascade down the red carpet in their big, puffy dresses with their big, puffy publicists where they walk in front of the most glorious location of them all – a mall. No, seriously guys: the Academy Awards literally takes place in a mall. It’s in a complex that carries a California Pizza Kitchen, a Hot Topic and a Sketchers. Because, when I think of the enchanting Emma Stone, I think of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. When I think of the talented Meryl Streep, my mind immediately goes to “Shoe Palace.” And when I think of the renowned Denzel Washington, I think of JINYA Ramen Express, the customizable ramen restaurant with freshly prepared soup, noodles and toppings located on level three.
But, a las, I digress.
My point is that the Academy Awards ultimately takes themselves far too seriously. It’s an over- exposed parade of many, many tired old white men worn down after months and months of campaigning. Didn’t the American public deal with something to this recently? Year after year too many people get caught up in the politics of it all, and when it comes down to it, it really is truly insignificant in the grand scheme of life (Sorry. I know. I can’t believe I’m writing this either). The Oscars should be fun! Lighthearted! Not over three and half hours long!
So, without further ado, here are four new rules to better future Oscar telecasts:
1. The Red Carpet
What do we consistently hear from reporters time and time again as celebrities sashay their goodies down the Oscar carpet: “Who are you wearing?” “Let me see your shoes!” “Name that jewelry designer!” It’s like, god damn Giuliana Rancic, William H. Macy has a BRAIN TOO, YA KNOW.
But seriously, asking women such simple questions as to which designers they are wearing proposes such boring questions. C’mon, it’s 2017, can’t you think of something a little more creative? Below, please find some example questions for future pre-show telecasts, which I have a feeling the American people might enjoy:
– What are your thoughts on the Mama June’s extreme weight loss in which she is contractually obligate to hide it from the public?
– Why do you think The Bachelor doesn’t open his mouth when he talks?
– Is my Fitbit broken or do I really take that few of steps on a daily basis?
– Were you picturing Barack Obama’s arms to be that muscular because me too
– Do you think “repeat steps one through three” is kind of a cop out of a lyric?
– Do you think patty melts is short for Patricia melts?
– Do you think Beyonce accepts the position of being our Lord and Savior or did it take some slight convincing?
2. Hire Game Show Hosts to Host
Who better to host an almost 4 hour snooze-fest (depending on the year) than those who get paid to entertain on a daily basis? I’m talkin’ game show hosts baby! Your favorite, your dad’s favorite and definitely your grandma’s favorite.
They would be the perfect hosts because:
a. They’re already used to appealing to many different types of demographics.
b. They’re a familiar, comfortable presence of many.
c. They already have “host” as part of their title!!! Kill two birds with one stone, Oscar producers!
They also have the stamina to entertain for long periods of time. Did you know that Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune can tape up to five to six episodes A DAY? A 210 minute show would be a cinch! Be honest — it would be pretty amazing to see Alex Trebek rubbing elbows with Jonah Hill and Samuel L. Jackson. Or how about Pat Sajak schmoozing with the Mara Sisters? Alright, I’m predicting it right now: Bob Barker will be our 2018 Oscar Host. Boom. Done. Check, please!
3. New Categories
Oscar producers listen up: For the past 89 years, more or less, we have been forced to choose from the same old, boring categories. Best Original Song? Yawn. Best Supporting Actor? Next! The world has been through a lot over these years, so shouldn’t it be time to spice up the show too?
Below are some new, funky, fresh (ironically, “New, Funky, Fresh” was the name of my favorite early 90’s all-white hip-hop group) categories that should definitely be considered for next year:
– The Film That We Can No Longer Pretend That Anyone Actually Saw Award
– Biggest Transformation Award (um, hello DEV PATEL YOU WIN)
– The Wait, They’re Still Alive? Award
– The OMG My Mom Loves Him Award (The nominees are consistently George Clooney, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth and Hugh Grant)
– We May Be In The Academy, But God Damnit We LOVE This Reality Show — Let’s Just Add It For Good Measure Award
– The Please Stop Trying To Make Him “Happen” Award
– The AHHHH Who’s That Guy, He Looks So Familiar — Wait, Pause It Real Quick So I Can IMDB Him Award
– The Best Point In The Movie To Pee and You Won’t Miss Major Plot Award (It’s a tie between musical numbers and montages…)
And last but not least…
– The Meryl Streep Award (Meryl Streep will get an Oscar every year solely because she’s Meryl Fucking Streep)
4. Screw things up. On purpose.
How exciting was it to watch — on live television — major drama unfold right before your very eyes? Unless you’re living under a rock (which I don’t blame you if you are with this current political climate) you saw Sunday’s fiasco, where Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway read the Best Picture winner as this award season’s big frontrunner La La Land when in reality, it was actually the underdog, Moonlight. You could hear audible gasps throughout the auditorium, everyone was in shock, no one knew quite what to do, and I was LOVING every second of it. You couldn’t look away! I had more adrenaline pumping through my veins than a June 12, 1994 OJ Simpson (…allegedly…). It was as if we were watching the world’s most beautiful, spray- tanned, surgically enhanced, master-cleansed train wreck. Emma Stone’s palms were sweaty, while Ryan Goslings knees were weak and arms were heavy! It was unscripted, unexpected, spontaneous, raw and everything that live TV should be about. Which, in turn, made it FUN.
So, with that said, I propose that future presenters take a hint from Bonnie and Clyde and have a little fun of their own. When they open the envelope, make up a name. Any name. Hell, the name doesn’t even have to be of someone nominated. Say what comes to mind. If our president can make up things/words/facts on the spot, why can’t we? For some extra fun, the producers should just leave the piece of paper inside the envelope blank. These presenters are actors — they make up stuff on the spot. Act! Show us what you got, people!
Or maybe the audience has to guess if they’re telling the truth? Maybe the viewers at home vote on whether they like their choice? Or maybe I’m slowly realizing that the life is just one big episode of a reality show that all of us are starring in, and there’s a very good chance that Ryan Seacrest is hosting it.