25 Things You’ll Do When You Move To Rio


(1) Quickly realize that Portuguese is not Spanish.

(2) Accept that after a month you no longer speak either and resign yourself to speaking fluent portunhol.

(3) Accept that everyone will be 75% naked, 95% of the time.

(4) Swear up and down that you will never buy a Brazilian bikini because dental floss just wouldn’t be a good look on you.

(5) Figure if the 75-year-old woman at the beach can rock it so can you. Buy a Brazilian Bikini.

(6) Accept the fact that you will never tan but hold out hope your increasing number of freckles will eventually merge into one large splotchy tan.

(7) Kiss a boy because he taste like the beach: sun, salt, and coconuts.

(8) Assure yourself that açai, mangos, and beer is a balanced diet.

(9) Experience serious FOMO while looking at everyone’s FB albums of fabulous European adventures jaunting across London, Madrid, and Stockholm, and wonder if you made a huge mistake.

(10) Let a man from London take you for drinks, and realize you didn’t make a huge mistake.

(11) Cancel numerous plans because it’s simply too hot to do anything. Instead lay naked in bed watching SVU on netflix.

(12) Realize you will probably not survive Carnaval but decide to go out in an explosion of glitter, feathers, and cheap beer.

(13) Buy enough body glitter to stock three Claire’s in order to accomplish this goal.

(14) Wonder for a split second what your mother would think as you ride a motorcycle to the top of a Favela to watch the sunset.

(15) Say you love Samba.

(16) Actually hate Samba.

(17) Say you hate Caiprinhas.

(18) Secretly love Caiprinhas.

(19) Join the Instagram bandwagon because the world obviously needs more photos of bikinis and beaches.

(20) Say “imagina a cupa” twenty times a day to express the fact that you are both excited and petrified of the World Cup.

(21) Seriously consider starting the tumblr hotguysinspeedosonbikes.tumblr.com.

(22) Have everything you own stolen and realize that you can either laugh or cry. Choose to laugh.

(23) Snapchat everyone in the polar vortex with titles like “the girl from ipanema” and “sucks to suck.”

(24) Resolve to never wear any form of footwear except Havianas ever again.

(25) Let go of old hurts and find yourself truly happy for the first time in years as you watch the sunrise on the beach, and realize it is truly impossible to be unhappy in a cidade maravilhosa.