In college, I pledged a sorority — and spent the next four memorable years pretending I wasn’t the world’s most inept sorority girl. Here’s a quick and dirty inventory of the actually valuable knowledge I absorbed in the process.
- Never go full hooker.
- If you can blame white people, patriarchy or the colonizing West within the first five minutes of class discussion, it’s acceptable to spend the rest of the hour on Twitter.
- In drinking, sex, working out and studying for finals, if you look better after or during it than before, you’re doing it wrong.
- Frat boys are far more likely to do you a favor if you wear a sundress when you ask.
- If your male friend ends a text with a smiley face, he’s trying to have sex with you.
- If your female friend ends a text with a smiley face, she’s trying not to be a b-tch.
- Delicate negotiations among roommates are best approached with a tray of something warm and Nutella-scented in hand.
- Weeknight going-out clothes should either show off one’s boobs or one’s legs. Doing both and doing neither are frowned upon equally.
- LinkedIn is for sober, earnest, employable you; Facebook is for mobile-upload-blurry, tipsy-but-not-yet-sloppy you. And having a Pinterest account is a telltale sign that you’re taking your M.R.S. degree far too seriously, or that you’re a Gwyneth Paltrow/ a robot.
- Spontaneous nudity makes any occasion more memorable.
- Sleeping with someone because you’ve seen him on ESPN is a poor decision, but a great story.
- What “no makeup” really means is just undereye concealer, foundation, blush and a little mascara.
- Any sister who’s eating buttercream cake frosting out of the jar probably doesn’t want to talk.
- It’s best to be solidly mediocre at drinking games.
- No one worth paying attention to has ever worn weightlifting gloves to the gym.
- Dressing up, baking and booking any kind of travel itinerary are all activities best completed sober.
- Say you “love sports” and you’ll start a cute flirtation. Say you “think John Groce was probably the wrong choice for Illinois, but pretty much anyone’s a step up from Bruce Weber,” and 15 minutes later you’ll be shotgunning beers and wishing you wish you’d worn flats.
- Of all the places you can choose to vomit, into your own running shoe is one of the most regrettable.
- House flip cup rules are to be f-cked with at one’s own peril.
- When there’s no rubbing alcohol to clean up an injury, Skol vodka is an acceptable substitute.
- The sister who holds your hair in a bathroom stall is a good friend, but the sister who holds your hand at a pharmacy counter is your best friend.
- Emotional validation is always a welcome way of showing someone how much you care. So is a cupcake.
- Pickle juice and high fives are the best chasers.
- If you have shower sex in the sorority house bathroom, you deserve it when your sisters slow-clap your entrance at breakfast.
- There’s always a casualty when there’s Jaegermeister involved.
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