24 Things You Learn After Going To A Conference


  1. Presentations never go off without a technical problem. There’s a rumor that one went smoothly at a conference in Ohio in 2003 but this may be an urban legend.
  2. Speakers will start with either a joke or a self-effacing comment. These comments will not be funny. Everybody will laugh inexplicably.
  3. If somebody begins his or her speech with “I’m going to keep this short” be prepared for two hours minutes of this shit.
  4. Participants prefer the handshake to the high-five or the hug. The full body hug is also frowned upon for being a little too “gropy”.
  5. In the hallway there will always be two silver tins labeled “coffee” and “decaf.” If you switch the signs guests will have literally no idea.
  6. If you switch the coffee and tea signs, stupid guests will have no idea.
  7. If you spike the coffee with whiskey, guests will complain, but their complaints will be slurred.
  8. The only time anything will get done will be in a small group breakout session and even then it will be by accident.
  9. Conference room C will always in a different wing of the hotel than you originally thought.
  10. Conference room B will be a room in Hogwarts that teleporting depending on the time of day and where the tides are.
  11. The hotel wifi password will confusingly not be displayed or be like 20 characters and numbers.
  12. When the speaker asks for questions, there will be a long period of silence after which the speaker will again ask for questions. Then some dickhead will ask a very esoteric question and the rest of the room will sigh audibly.
  13. If somebody says “let’s take this offline” the person secretly wishes that you would die.
  14. The breakfast spread will be mostly semi-fresh fruit. The plate will be very small and for every blueberry you eat you’ll end up dropping 3-4 on the ground.
  15. If you slip out of the conference in the middle of a speech, the door will be 80% squeakier than when you entered.
  16. At least one conference attendee will make small talk with you in the bathroom. If it gets too much, just say, “hey man, you got any coke?” and he or she will ignore you the rest of the conference.
  17. If the conference has over a hundred attendees and you talk smack about one of them, that person will always be right behind you, even if two seconds ago they were across the hall in front. Maybe they were looking for conference room B and teleported here.
  18. There are only two temperatures for conference rooms: below zero or hot enough to fry an egg on the rug.
  19. The winner of the conference will be whoever can use the most jargon, hopefully with corresponding powerpoint presentations.
  20. The loser of the conference will be the guy or girl who gets too drunk at the dinner on the first night and will forever be labeled “drunk dude” for the rest of the time.
  21. 40% of people at the conference will be typing at their laptops ignoring everything else. The other 60% will either be texting or dead.
  22. After a speech the restroom line will get super long, like a 15 minute wait, but if you walk for 2 minutes from there there will be a completely empty bathroom.
  23. Looking people in the eye and saying, “gee, this is a really fun conference” may be a winning strategy.
  24. Telling a girl that you’d like her to go back to your hotel room but to “keep the conference badge on” will be an unsuccessful strategy.