Here I am, five months after graduation writing from my parents’ basement about a dating app that I’ve downloaded and deleted maybe six times since I threw my cap in the air and drank enough champagne and orange juice to kill my childhood dog.
When my phone storage isn’t full of saved Snapchat stories that only I think are funny, I’ll download Bumble. I’m not above a dating app and I’m cognizant that I’ll have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to my prince. You’d think I would have found him by now…
I’m not bashing, Bumble. On the contrary, I think it has asserted itself as the premiere dating app and has allotted women ownership of the tone of dating conversations. But I can’t help the thoughts that go through my head while swiping my life away.
1. I wonder how many people have screenshoted my profile and sent it to someone saying ‘omg look who I found.’
2. Is there a filter for tacky tattoos and bios with sayings like ‘mind over matter?’
3. I wish I could draw an area on the map to focus in on where I know the hot guys hang out.
4. Does anyone love to fish that much?
5. Can I pull a background check on that ‘entrepreneur’ job you have, sir?
6. Which one even are you???
7. What do you mean you ‘wish I was there?’ We’ve never met?
8. Oh that’s what you mean? Ew, bye.
9. Picture of you playing guitar at a party? *swipes left*
10. Why is my thumb cracking like that? Better take a break from swiping and grab some ice cream.
11. Nope, I’d rather just pass on this, why does anyone ever go on dates? No guy is worth getting out of your pajamas for.
12. *Two glasses of wine and one solo dance party later.* Okay, I got this, I’m smart, I’m pretty, I’m deserving of love.
13. *One more glass of wine.* What even is love? I’m better off alone anyway. If I start going on dates it’s going to encroach on my yoga routine.
14. *Dances to Raise Your Glass by Pink and spills half of a glass of wine on date outfit.* Crap, he’s going to know I’m already tipsy.
15. Shit it’s 7:15, I’m drunk, I haven’t found a new outfit, and he’s texting me, “Hey I’m sitting at the bar, where are you?”
On the date:
16. Keep your shit together, don’t tell him anything you’ve found out from stalking him on three social media platforms.
17. Oh, I already asked you where you’re from? Shoot, I must just be really frazzled from work. *Orders a glass of water and internally screams, ‘Get your shit together you idiot.’*
18. Oh you’d like to see me again?
19. So, dating is really just like the dentist, you dread going, but it’s never as bad once you get there.
20. It’s time to put pajamas on, get in bed, and open a little yellow app. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.