1. The peak of your current job experience was the interview, where you smiled obscenely, nodded at everything they told you and lied your ass off, and it’s all been downhill from there.
2. When you hear a fire engine roll by, sirens screaming into the cool of the morning, you confine yourself to the privacy of the bathroom stall for a few sacred moments as you sob inconsolably at the realization that the fire didn’t spark in your building.
3. Your daily commute leaves you feeling like you truly understand how Robert Falcon Scott must have felt as he and his team slowly succumbed to the elements and froze to death while attempting to backtrack through the Antarctic.
4. By the time you get home, you don’t have energy for anything more than heating up a Lean Cuisine and gazing blankly at your TV screen, overwhelmed by the plethora of Netflix options.
5. Your cat is judging you more harshly than usual and has had enough of being your unpaid therapist. It took your poor cat hours to lick the salt of your tears from its woefully matted fur.
6. Your significant other leaves you, but not without gifting you with a copy of Lars and the Real Girl. The movie is sweet, but its message is lost on you entirely and, like a moth to the flame, you begin looking up info on sex dolls.
7. Serial killers would mock your resting-bitch-face.
8. You eat, poop, and jerk off on company time. These days, you mostly just jerk off and the last time, you broke a nail.
9. Not even the handy dandy bottle of Purell at your desk can cleanse your skin of disappointment.
10. You have finally realized that singing NSYNC’s “Just Got Paid” to yourself every payday is nothing more than a placebo to keep you from mourning openly and unabashedly. You’ve stopped ironically humming Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and are back to hating it like it’s 2011.
11. You doodle all day while keeping an eye on the clock just like when you were a teenage idiot stuck in detention.
12. Little things set you off: Your co-worker chewing gum like a cow, the coffee machine breaking down, that always chipper fool (every workplace has one) saying hello and incessantly asking “what’s new?”
13. You view group projects as a form of entrapment. In fact, the amount of time you spend on any work project would be better spent tending to the nail you just broke.
14. You bought out the entire toilet paper aisle at the supermarket in preparation for the Rapture the last time your supervisor praised you for a job well done.
15. You once had a dream that one day your four little children would not be judged by the color of their T-shirts, but by the content of their character, but then you woke up.
16. You go to Happy Hour near the office, but you’d sooner chop off your balls and feed them to yourself through your eye sockets than risk running into your coworkers at a bar, so you go a little out of your way when you feel like a drink after work. (Your already shitty commute punishes you for drifting, but you’d take an extra hour on the bus over bumping into a colleague any day).
17. You don’t have to go far for intellectual stimulation after a day at the office. Even the Twilight series could curb your brain cells from continuous mass suicide.
18. The amount of stress you take on is disproportionate to the amount of fucks you give. A meeting with HR requires the presence of an RN.
19. The last time you saw your friends, they sat you down for an intervention because you talk so much about your job that you make girls who eat makeup and dudes who are sexually attracted to their vintage 1968 Cadillacs seem too boring for television.