15 Flabbergasting Crimes Involving Pizza
By Jim Goad
11. Domino’s driver temporarily blinded after customer throws bleach in his face.
In 2011, a New Orleans teenager named Terrence C. Alexis reportedly admitted to police that he waited for a Domino’s delivery while holding a cup of bleach, then tossed it in the driver’s face upon his arrival, temporarily blinding him. Alexis was charged with robbery but apparently didn’t do too much time because he was arrested again in May of 2014.
12. Papa Murphy’s worker rubs his genitals on customer’s pizza.
Angry that a customer had ordered a family-sized pizza with Canadian bacon and extra cheese shortly before closing time, 18-year-old Austin Michael Symonds, a worker at a Papa Murphy’s franchise in Texas, rubbed his testicles on the customer’s stuffed pizza. Problem was, the customer was walking into Papa Murphy’s as it happened and witnessed the ball-rubbing incident. Simons was fired and charged with food tampering.
13. Child molester strangles his best friend to death during drunken argument about a pizza.
After bailing out of jail in 2013 on charges of molesting his three-year-old daughter, Christipher [his spelling] Baker of Clifton, CO, drunkenly argued over a pizza with his alleged best friend Matthew Wilkerson. He placed Wilkerson in a chokehold and strangled him to death. Baker eventually accepted pleas for manslaughter and aggravated incest but only received a 14-year prison sentence.
14. Woman saves herself from would-be rapist by calling 911 and pretending to order pizza.
In 2014 in South Carolina, a woman who was rebuffing sexual advances by a man in her home called 911 and temporarily deflected his attention by pretending to order a pizza. Police arrived to find the male suspect on top of the woman. He was handcuffed and is facing assault and burglary charges.
15. Strip club ordered to stop serving free pizza around performer who ejects ping-pong balls from her vagina.
In 1995, an Albuquerque strip club called The Ice House featured an “adult entertainer” named Stephanie Evans, who touted herself as the “Human Super Soaker.” As part of her act, she forcibly ejected things such as water and ping-pong balls from her vagina onto the crowd. A visit from the local Environmental Health Department resulted in a report stating that “Pizza was readily available for consumption and was being consumed during the show.” It recommended that the club “Prohibit the serving of any food or drinks during the show that involves fluids being violently ejected from a vagina.” Although violently expelling fluids from one’s vagina onto a willing customer’s pizza may not technically be a crime, it is at least criminally distasteful.
* * * * * * * *