13 Things That Could Definitely Happen If I Put My Phone Away


1. I might have to make eye contact with somebody nearby.

2. Worse—I might actually have to communicate with them and talk about the weather.

3. Actually, I won’t even know what the weather is like because my phone tells me.

4. Someone could text me asking if I want that extra First Class seat they have for a flight to Europe because their sister can’t make it. Or they could ask me if I want to go to Chipotle. Missing out on either is of equal concern to me.

5. I could be missing out on roasting someone in one of my many group chats.

6. Worse—everyone could be talking shit about me, and it would seem like I was just tolerating it.

7. I won’t be able to analyze everyone’s Instagrams and silently scream about how much better everyone’s life looks compared to mine. Like, how are people my age gallivanting around on yachts? ALSO, IT’S A TUESDAY.

8. I will genuinely be ignoring somebody’s texts, instead of intentionally ignoring somebody’s texts, which strips me of the only power I have ever known.

9. Beyoncé will probably come out with another surprise album.

10. I could be invited to a Facebook event and miss the chance at being that asshole who replies “maybe.”

11. What if a coworker asks me if I’ve seen Eraserhead? How am I supposed to quickly and subtly IMBd the movie and read the synopsis to decide whether it’s one of those movies I probably should’ve watched or if he’s just fucking around with me and made up the title?

12. I could get a slight headache, or something caught in my eye, and not be able to look up my symptoms on WebMD and immediately conclude that I’ve scratched my cornea or have a brain tumor.

13. I could unexpectedly get drunk and not be able to text anybody.