When you first start dating someone, it can be easy to overlook personality flaws. But eventually the relationship reaches its boiling point where the person’s asshole qualities can no longer be ignored/tolerated. You take off your rose-colored glasses, dump them, and reminiscence to yourself “I should have known.” Had I noticed these particular red flags during my last relationship, I could have saved myself months of unhappiness and innumerable calories spent emotional eating.
1. He Was A Cat Person
Cats love to play with their prey; I should have known he would do this to me.
2. He Never Performed Oral Sex
Nothing says “jerk” quite like this. He went down on my once when we first started dating. After that, he’d do it for ten seconds as a method of persuasion before he’d start begging me for anal (which we never had, he was the only active asshole in our relationship).
3. Yet He Expected It All The Time
My mouth could have registered as a nonprofit organization; all it did was give and give without ever getting anything in return. It was a relationship where I constantly had to swallow my pride. And worst of all…
4. He Wouldn’t Kiss Me After
Seriously, fuck you.
5. He’d Cheated On His Previous Girlfriend
…with me. Every girl wants to believe that they can be the one to make a bad boy settle down and change his ways, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t make someone change, they have to want to change for themselves. Our relationship stopped the same way it started: with him cheating on his girlfriend, only at first I was the one he was cheating with, and in the end, I was the one being cheated on.
6. My Friends Didn’t Like Him
Your friends are right 99.9% of the time. There’s a reason why they’re your friends, and you should trust their judgment even during those times when you don’t want to.
7. He Didn’t Like My Friends
This is unacceptable 100% of the time.
8. He Was Rude To Waiters
You can learn everything you need to know about someone by the way they treat people in the service industry. I should deleted his number after our first date when didn’t say “thank you” to our waiter once.
9. He Never Laughed During Sex
I can think of few things funnier than the physical act of sex; all the noises and facial expressions are pure comedy. Sometimes during sex, you just need to share a laugh. One time I accidentally kicked him in the nose (don’t ask how), giving him a nosebleed. Amidst the pain and awkwardness I started laughing hysterically. He, however, didn’t find it so funny and scowled at me while shoving toilet paper up his nose. He also was not amused when I gave him a tampon to stop the blood flow.
10. He Counted Calories
Which gave me a sneaking suspicion he had been counting mine, too.
11. He Thought Rihanna Was Sexier Than Beyonce
Okay, in all fairness I asked him who he thought was sexier. But when I asked him why he said, “I don’t know, Beyonce’s too powerful and shit. Rihanna’s just fuckin sexy.” I finally broke up with him a couple days later. All Hail Queen Bey.