10 Things I’m Thankful For (And 5 Things I’m Not)

If you have a big family like mine, going around the dining-room table—and the kitchen table, and the table in the corner with the kids—and sharing what you’re thankful for can be an exhausting task. And your family, like mine, may also have a ridiculous unwritten rule that you can’t be thankful for the same thing as someone else. (I’ll have you know, multiple people can be thankful for wine, and I should be able to express my thanks verbally and also through the physical drinking of all the wine.)

Here are 10 things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving (and 5 things I’m definitely not). I guarantee that my grandma’s list is different.

Things I’m Thankful For This Thanksgiving:

1. Coffee

Without it I’d probably be fired.

2. Gchat

How else would I talk to my friends all day?

3. Vodka Sodas

What else would I blame my bad decisions on?

4. Tinder

Swiping right leads to free drinks, free food, and free bad date stories.

5. Cabdrivers

Getting home on a Saturday at 4AM would be much more difficult without them.

6. TheSkimm

I would literally have no sense of current events without it.

7. Shonda Rhimes

Sitting on the couch in my pajamas, anxiously awaiting copious amounts of drama and sex is my kind of Happy Hour.

8. My boyfriend

Just kidding. Single. As. Fuck.

9. Salads

So I can feel better about myself when I eat a family-sized bag of Doritos in one sitting.

10. Taylor Swift

Dancing alone in my bedroom has never been more satisfying.

Things I’m NOT Thankful For This Thanksgiving:

1. Facebook

Facebook messages do not count as a viable way to ask a girl out.

2. Tinder

It’s a love/hate relationship.

3. That bowl of Brussels sprouts I ate for dinner last night

Brussels sprouts, Brussels sprouts, they’re good for your heart; the more you eat them, the more—you get the point.

4. Commercials

Because watching anything not on Netflix becomes a lot harder

5. The refresh button when I’m anxiously awaiting an email

An email watched never comes.